Think Kevin REALLY?

 

Sitting on a sofa 23rd August 2004 alone and too frightened to drink, but too frightened to face life without it, I knew I couldn't do it any more. I had reached the jumping off point.

It had only taken me 25 years. 

My early years were spent in the Irish community of Birmingham and I was relatively happy in those days, even though I was plagued with a sense of not quite belonging. The house I grew up in was always busy with people dropping in or my Dad bringing people home from the pub with him, which was great because I found out that drunk people were incredibly generous if you entertained them, so I learned from an early age the art of manipulation. And even if you didn’t get any money off them for performing, searching down the sides of the sofa after they had woken up from sleeping off the booze was always profitable.

Drink was the norm in our house and as children we were on occasions allowed to sample some.

Right from the first time I remember I loved it, well not the taste but I loved what it did for me. It made feel confident and strong, I felt as if I could do anything. I remember guest laughing at me while I was standing in the middle of the room with my shirt collars turned up singing along to Elvis and his blue suede shoes. Yes, drink was the best thing going for me. 

Today I believe that I was born with a genetic disposition to Alcoholism and though it has taken be to some dark places in my life, today I can say that I'm grateful for that disposition.

If that sound strange then you will have to bear with me while I explain.

In the 25 years that alcohol dominated my life I was under some misguided illusion that drink wasn't the problem. My family were to blame, school was to blame, work or no work was to blame, homelessness, prison and relationships were to blame, infact everything was to blame other than my precious alcohol.

Alcohol was my friend, my only friend! It gave me everything I needed to deal with life, or at least I though it did. The truth was very much different because what I couldn't see that so many others could was that drink was systematically stripping me of family, friends, possessions, abilities, dignity and eventually, when there was nothing external left to take, it tried to take my life.